The lasting pain of missing my Aama

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Aama — a mother, that is exactly what my maternal grandma was to me. What a beautiful word it is that I get to remember her by. A gentle human being, she was my first guide and my first friend. 

I remember vividly when I visited Aama in Ohio during the winter months of 2017. We lived hours away then and I hadn’t seen her in almost more than a year. When I first came in, I rushed to her and rested my head on her lap. It felt like I was five again and Aama was putting me to sleep. 

I knew she was sick, and I also quickly realized she looked sick and that she wouldn’t be with me for much longer. Overwhelmed by emotions, I ran to another room before she could see my tears. I couldn’t believe it, my Aama would leave me soon. After staying with her for a while, we headed back home and to start our lives as if everything was normal and fine. 

A few weeks later, my mom received a call saying that “Aama is no longer with us.” I didn’t know what to say or how to react. I couldn’t comfort myself, let alone my mom. Our Hindu festivals are here, but they are not as bright as they would be when she was still with us. She gave us comfort, affection, and kindness.

I remember all the times I would run to her with my minor inconveniences. I remember when I had just started learning to cook; She taught me how to measure the water for the rice and the masalas (spices) for the curry. She talked with so much kindness all the time. 

It has been three years since yet her kindness still floats. I missed her badly in the recent Dashain — a Hindu festival, where the elders offer blessings to the younger members of the family. I felt her absence strongly. I know I am going to miss her forever.

Where I am today and whoever I am is all due to what Aama had taught me. Calm yet fearless, loving but intimidating; She was the embodiment of the word Aama. Even when ill, she always extended herself to her children, grandchildren, and so on. I could only hope to be half the person she was.

Search for two missing men; One in New Zealand, the other in KY, U.S. continue

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Bir Bahadur Poudel, 69, has been missing from his residence in Palmerston North, New Zealand since October 23, 2020, according to the family. 

Speaking to BNS, Gopal Poudel, the oldest son of Bir Bahadur said that his father used to go out in the morning to collect flowers for morning rituals. When he did not return until late afternoon, the Poudel family reported to the local police. Palmerston Police along with the local Bhutanese organizations have been reaching out to various local farms and neighborhood areas with the hope to find Bir Bahadur, but to no avail.

According to Gopal, his father was mentally sound and has no diagnosed mental health issues. Originally from Dagana, Bhutan, the Poudel family was resettled in New Zealand in 2015

Palmerston North has about 170 Bhutanese households with a total of 600-650 individuals. Among three sons, two of Bir Bahadur’s sons are in New Zealand with one living in the US. He also has four daughters; three of them in the US, and one in New Zealand. 

Palmerston Police has requested anyone with Bir Bahadur’s information to contact them by calling the local police department at 105. The Poudel family can also be reached at 02040897628.

In the meantime, Som Raj Rai, 31,  has been missing from Louisville Kentucky since November 17.  He was returning on foot to his apartment from his aunt’s house at the time of his missing. 

According to Padam Rai, a cousin of Som Raj, they have been searching for him for the last 12 days and have filed a police report of the missing. However, the police have not reported back to the family on his whereabouts, nor responded to Padam’s call. 

Som Raj is not able to drive and does not know functional English to communicate. He was working at the Cardinal Aluminium. The family of seven was resettled in Louisville in 2015 from Khudunabari camp in Nepal. 

Som Raj Rai. Photo Source- Facebook page of Bhutanese American Hindu Society

COVID-19 Experience Sharing

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Join Susanna and Biraj as they share their personal experiences about testing positive for COVID-19 and its effects on their daily lives.

DISCLAIMER: Please note that this episode was recorded at the beginning of November and the number of U.S. COVID-19 cases (7.9 million) mentioned early in the podcast has not been updated. Please visit credible health organization websites for latest information on COVID-19.

Fostering a bond among Nepali-speaking diaspora in the globalized context

When I was still growing up at Topgachhi (currently Kamal Gaunpalika) in Jhapa, in the eastern part of Nepal, I always felt sad to see so many of my friends and family leave for work in India. Some of them would drop out of school, unable to pay the fees, while others were encouraged by their peers or even family members to opt out of their education early and head to labor factories in India. Doing so would be considered a more effective way to support their families because the parents believed that education was not a valuable commodity.  

As discussed by Professor Abhi Subedi in his recent article in the Kantipur Daily, the favorable destinations during that time for Nepali migrant workers were India, Bhutan, and Burma. Other countries, especially in the West, were not open for ordinary people under The Panchayat regime, as it tightened its grip on migrant travel.

Whilst still at high school, our dear neighbor and grandfather figure, Subedar Upreti Ba would relate to us the experiences of such migrant workers in India as part of the stories about his fight against the Japanese forces on behalf of the British Raaj (rule), during World War II. What particularly captivated my imagination the most were the vignettes about his encounter with other Nepali-speaking people from Burma, Bhutan, and some other parts of India. 

Whichever side they seemed to be fighting for, all of those Nepali-speaking soldiers had one thing in common – their love and devotion for Nepal and the spirit of Nepali nationhood. It always warmed my heart to hear such narratives of the Nepali people’s fellow-feeling and shared cultural beliefs in their communal homes away from home. Although it saddened me to know the conditions that drove these people away, I felt good about the way they thought about their home even though they were far away.

However, it was equally disappointing to see that these workers’ families and society in general valued their worth not in terms of the love, care, and commitment they held dear for their homeland, but only in terms of what they could earn; as material gain was seen as more valuable in the society. Their loyalty to their homeland should have been seen equally valuable.

In its broader sense, diasporic consciousness has always fed the sense of longing for one’s place of birth. Professor Subedi, in his article titled “An Evening of Diaspora Dialogue,” defines such diasporic experience more in terms of historically situated and emerging sociopolitical and cultural contexts of migration. 

Rewards or benefits may fluctuate, as we don’t know how long this unstable pillar of economic structure dependent on migrant workers will continue to fuel the desire for money over home. However, what remains intact is people’s deep-seated feeling for belonging to their homeland. Otherwise, why would they spend their hard-earned money to support their families still living in Nepal? Why would  they all gather around prayer halls, temples, and chapels around the world, driving charity events and asking for support to the people back home during natural disasters and other calamities every year? Why would they still pine for a visit to their homelands and drink directly from the waterfalls of their mountain villages, when they can afford to drink mineral water of their choice in their ‘new-found home’? Why does yak milk still taste so palatable and replenish their memory with satisfaction despite every luxury available to them where they are? It is this spirit of ancestry, nationhood, and deep commitment to their homeland that causes almost all Nepali-speaking migrants to such deep-rooted longing for their homeland.

Such feelings of belonging haven’t always been easy for so many other Nepali-speaking people that  travel to the West from countries other than Nepal. Nepali-speaking Bhutanese migrants around the world have always carried a deep wound in their heart, with them not having this luxury of belonging to any one particular nation when growing up; they have always been pining for their lost home, which, for most of the younger generation, emerges more as an imaginary construct than reality.

During my ethnographic study among the Nepali-speaking Bhutanese in Kentucky, over five years, I got a chance to listen closely to their stories of struggle, and desire for home which bear witness to their commitment to Nepali culture, language, and heritage, and their pride in it. Their diasporic mediation is created through social consciousness, whereby individuals living across diverse locations and cultures reflect upon their sense of belonging to various national identities(or lack thereof), the exclusion from and persecution by the homeland, i.e. Bhutan, not being accepted by its ancestral land, Nepal, and their sense of complex identity in the host country, the U.S.

On the one hand, they feel lost belonging nowhere, whilst on the other hand, they also cherish refreshing memories of belonging everywhere and being able to navigate through cultural and national barriers. Something which is not that easy for most other diaspora communities that hail from a more specific location. Such paradoxical complexity of identity has lifted most of the Nepali-speaking Bhutanese above the limiting boundaries of belonging to an elevated stature as global citizens with more diversified sociopolitical and cultural experiences.

The conflict, however, still remains, as they have been valued on what they can contribute in terms of material gains but not in terms of their loyalty to their homeland and how much they have carried Nepal and Nepali cultures in their hearts everywhere they reach. Such a binary  view of diasporic (non)belonging has always raised questions about Nepali-speaking Bhutanese  migrants’ true identity in the West today.

As we jump from one bandwagon to the other, constantly pining for what we’ve lost, we need to seriously consider how we can heal from this deep scar of not belonging. One way to do this more thoughtfully would be to share our rich stories from the past and pass on our narratives to the younger generation, as Upreti Ba used to do in his story-telling.

Writing is another powerful tool of expression through which we can participate in making meaning out of our experiences and voice our concerns.

I am deeply grateful to Bhutan News Service (BNS), as it has been acting as a social chautari offering a voice to the voiceless for nearly two decades now. Those powerful voices in the most recent issues include, among many others, Govinda Rizal’s historical documentation of Bhutanese people’s struggle for democracy and social justice; Yeshi Pelzom Pradhan’s analysis on the need to erase an identity label as refugees, and Upendra Dahal’s editorial write-up on family legacy through the rich story of unending marriage. I’m even more heartened to see BNS come back with the same vigor after a brief hiatus.

We need to carve a clear path of recovery which we can follow in the future through such democratic and inclusive platforms, so as to affirm our identities, valued not on what we can contribute materially, but based on how we carry the message about our identity and rich cross-cultural resources. 

Upreti Ba’s insightful stories about fostering warmth in the company of anyone of Nepali origin against the backdrop of the horrifying reality of war is still relevant today. Such feelings of common cultural and language heritage effuse a deep recognition of the fact that we still feel the same warmth inside our hearts in the presence of all Nepali-speaking migrants around the world.

It’s only by promoting this collective spirit of being of Nepali origins that we can foster a unifying bond among all of the diaspora communities in the globalized context of today’s world.

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Dr. Tika Lamsal is an associate professor of Rhetoric and Language at the University of San Francisco (USF) and teaches both graduate and undergraduate courses on Cross-cultural Business Communication, and English Rhetoric and Writing.

I doubt whether my wishes for family re-unification will come true 

One sunny Saturday morning I was enjoying breakfast on the patio. Unexpectedly, I heard an emotional conversation from inside the house that drew me inside. I saw my father having a conversation with his close acquaintance back in Bhutan, almost 8000 miles away as the crow flies.

My mother was listening fondly, whilst their friend was sharing his news and grieving about their separation. Thanks to the Facebook Messenger, they were finally reunited, virtually, after 25 years.

Without hesitation, I sat close to them. As I listened, I felt nostalgic at times while also muttering  to myself: what a fate! They were talking about: their separated families, forbidden land, properties and cattle; their village; the roads, the school and almost the entire infrastructure that they and their forefathers had toiled very hard to construct.

I was astonished by their vivid recall of so much of the past, even though they are all in their late sixties.

As I was listening to this conversation very closely, I felt like my dad’s friend, Uncle Keshav* was speaking from the very core of his heart. Mitjyu, zindagi na dukha cha, na sukha cha, challirako cha tara maan ma aasanti nai chha – sabai chineka aafanta jaan cheuu maa chainan translated as: my dear friend, life is neither worrisome nor filled with happiness; life goes on but I don’t have a peaceful mind- all of my known relatives are not here with me.

Undoubtedly, family separation is not something that anyone wishes for. Growing up in a refugee camp in Nepal, I heard countless agonizing stories mostly related to the horrific expulsions from Bhutan during the late 1980s and early 1990s. 

Everyone had their own individual anecdotes about how and why they fled from the country, unwillingly leaving  friends and families behind. Many of the stories I heard myself during my stay in the refugee camps in Nepal were full of resentment towards the ruler and the allies of the hermit kingdom. They were cruel; responsible for  many inhuman acts, such as murder, rape, violent night attacks, kidnapping, and the vandalizing and burning of property.

I researched some of the history and came across a book written by Balaram Poudel “Bhutan Hijo ra aaja”. This book provided more insight about how dreadful Lhotshampas (Nepali-speaking southern Bhutanese) were treated by the regime, through its systemic policies of ethnic cleansing and family separation.

Returning to the original conversation, my mom was talking with Aunt Januka*, the wife of my dad’s friend. I saw tears rolling down my mom’s cheeks. My mom inquired about Aunt Januka’s children and their current life. She has fond memories of their childhood days: times spent roaming  the hills and the tropical jungles, fetching cattle fodder and other farming chores, and of  festive occasions. 

Aunt Januka* briefly described the transformation of places, with the addition of roads, electricity, and other improvements in the infrastructure. She was distressed when she  mentioned that the army had demolished our house and looted everything.

“It’s now unoccupied land,” she added during the conversation. My mom was speechless. 

Even though there were some cheery moments in almost three hours of conversation, my parents seemed disconsolate as they listened. While I was listening, I was imagining myself making arrangements to reunite them in person one day.

Needless to say, it is not possible, as resettled people are still restricted from flying back to Bhutan. Unfortunately, there is nothing in place for  separated family members to be able to reunite in person.

So, my parents are uncertain whether there will ever be a reunion; they  aren’t alone in this. More than 100,000 Bhutanese living outside Bhutan, whether resettled or currently stationed in the refugee camps in Nepal are waiting for a possible reunion with friends, families and the land of their birth.

Is reunion actually feasible?

This is a question that haunts me every now and then. Quite often, I discuss this issue with family and close friends so that we don’t forget our origins and we can work towards a reunion with the separated families inside Bhutan.

Undeniably, it will be the achievement of a lifetime to see my birth place and enjoy the  experience I have always dreamt of.

Meanwhile, after a brief pause and mixed feelings, my parents concluded the conversation; hoping for a reunion in future and wishing them all the best in their lives. From the other side of the world, Uncle Keshav and Aunt Januka also bid their goodbyes in a wistful tone, promising to talk again soon, repeating the phrase;  hamro bhagya mai khot rahecha (we have flaws in our fate). This sentence still reverberates now.

As much as I hope to find treasures of history buried and lost back in my birth land one day, I doubt whether my wishes will come true.

*Some names have been changed in the piece.

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The author who had volunteered as a correspondent for BNS for almost 8 years holds BBA in Computer Information System from the Eastern Kentucky University.

 

 

 

 

Aatma and Paramatma: Connection of Self to Ultimate God

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Conversation with  Dr. Laxmi Narayan Dhakal on the philosophical dimension of all beings. Soul is the tiniest fragment of cosmic energy that resides in every being through which one can connect to that ultimate reality of its origin- the truth that lies beyond existential human perception.  Vedanta of eastern philosophy vouches that human beings are given that opportunity of higher level of consciousness to realize the ultimate godhead- whatever that may be according one’s faith.  The law of karma regulates every action of human beings – whether one can realize the fruit of actions or not.

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“I had just returned home in the evening after hoeing the corn field all day. ‘Parents have given you away!’ screamed my younger brother. Apparently, a family from Khorsane gaun (village) in Chirang district in Bhutan had visited my house earlier to ask my hand for marriage. An astrologer had come along with them. The astrologer checked our horoscope compatibility, and he immediately slated the wedding date for two weeks later. That’s how jodis (matches) were made back then. I was just 14 years old. Two of my slightly older friends were wedded a few months ago. I had a suspicion that I could be next in line. But I did not think it would be that soon. I was shocked. The thought of leaving my family scared me. My legs were trembling. There was no talk of my wedding prior to this. It was so sudden. No one discussed it with me. But then, in those times, no girls were asked about such things. Even my parents did not say a word that evening. My younger siblings shared what had happened. My parents only spoke to me about it after a few days. They told me it was time for me to get married. I couldn’t say no. Had I ever met the groom before? Never. I had not heard of him or his family. Our first meeting was on the wedding day. That day, we did not speak a single word, perhaps due to shyness. He was the son of a Mandal (head of the village), so the wedding procession was quite extravagant. The customary practice of putting wedding rings was new at that time. Most other rituals back then, though, were similar to the ones we perform even today. My husband’s family wanted to take me to their house permanently after 16 days of our wedding. However, my father was adamant to send me only after a year — I am not sure why my father did that. Perhaps he thought I was too young to be able to handle all household chores in the house of a mahaajan (wealthy). So I moved to my husband’s house only after a year. We went through a lot of hardship but we’ve been together for 50 years now.”

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Bishnu Khadka, 65 is originally from Chirang, Bhutan and based in West Springfield, Massachusetts at the time when this story was compiled. 

Story and Photo compilation by Biraj Adhikari for BNS.

Marriage

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“What do I remember about my wedding? Hmm… not sure you will get much of an interesting story out of me. My marriage followed a similar procedure as did the other marriages in Bhutan. I was about 10 years old when I got married and my wife was nine. You look surprised but this is just how it was in Bhutan. Whenever your parents felt you were ready, they would have a lady (or a gentleman) already chosen and permitted to be married to you. I know a few couples who got married at even younger ages than me. I remember I awoke with the sun on the day of my wedding as I was to be prepared as a groom. I was exhausted by how long the wedding was; It took us about a day and a half just to reach the bride’s village. It took the same time in returning back home — altogether, three days. The hills were steep but the horses carrying me protected me very carefully as I sat and enjoyed the scenery along the way. I was like a prince for the day — my relatives, my parents and everyone else around me wouldn’t let me do anything. Although I’m not exactly sure how I felt on the day of my wedding as I was young, I must have been excited to see my bride. My wife had 14 aunts who adorned and guided her through the marriage rituals that day. I remember it was a bit hectic especially considering that I was somewhat anxious as well. What if I did something wrong? It was the first time my bride and I had met. I’m 65 years old now which means it’s been 55 years since our marriage. It’s been quite a long time.”


Mani Prasad Upreti, 65, is originally from Chirang, Bhutan, and based in Reynoldsburg, Ohio at the time when this story was compiled.

Story and Photo compilation by Arati Chapagai for BNS

Marriage

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“I should have been 9-10 years old when I first got married in Dallayni, under Chirang district in Bhutan. I don’t recall much from my wedding day. I vividly recall though that I was scared. I did not know what marriage meant then. I wanted to continue to stay at my parents’ house. My first husband was from a big family. We lived together for 6-7 years before I eloped with another man, my current husband. My mother started disliking my first husband after we were a few years into our marriage. I think my mother knew that I was working too hard to take care of chores, even those that I was not capable of doing it, at my husband’s house. My mother-in-law made me work too hard at such a young age. I used to be frustrated at times. I would share my stories of struggle with my own mother. One time my mother told me that I should leave my first husband because she had found another man for me. I was 15-16 years old by then. One fine day, I left my first husband and came home. My mother took me to the house of another man. As soon we got to his (my current husband) house, I proposed to him that I would marry him and that I wouldn’t leave his house until he would accept me. With an open arm, he accepted me. He was not married. And now guess what? We’ve 13 children together; We are a happy couple.”   

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Januka Darjee, 76, is originally from Chirang, Bhutan and based in Charlotte, North Carolina at the time when this story was compiled.

Story and Photo compilation by TP Mishra for BNS

Marriage

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“I was 27 years old at that time and she was 23. I was working as a peon in her village called Purano Basti in Sarbang, Bhutan. I was from Toribari which was 15 kilometers from her village. But I used to live in her village for my job. Actually, I had worked as a peon for five years and seven months in Bhutan. Initially I was paid Rupees130 per month. I was assigned to many villages like Bhur, Norbuling, Naya Basti, Lalai, among others. The roads were rough and not easy to travel. I used to pedal a bicycle for 2-3 hours to reach those villages and deliver mail. Although I was living in her village we didn’t know each other. It happened like this: a guy called Kabiraj Pradhan was also staying in the same house where I lived. One evening he said, “Hey let’s go”. I said “where?” “Take a walk in the village”. “Nope. I am not going”. But he kept on insisting and I had to go. Somebody had died in the village and people had gathered in that house. Some were playing cards. I too started playing cards, but my eyes were all around the room. I saw her there and thought this girl seemed good. After courting at least a year, on a Sunday I took her to my village Toribari. We didn’t face any hurdles since the inter marriage between Ghalley and Magar is accepted. We had a small ceremony to validate our relationship. Let me say that our marriage was performed in a shortcut. We invited a few people from my village, slaughtered a sheep, drank a locally brewed alcoholic beverage and had a party. After a few days we came to her home and her family gave us their blessings.”

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LB Ghalley, 73, is originally from Sarbang, Bhutan, and based in Grand Forks, North Dakota at the time when this story was compiled. 

Stories and photo compilation by Pabi Rai for BNS.